Decision Paralysis: The Weight of Choosing

I remember being about 6 years old, standing in front of the terraces of chocolate bars and sweets, knowing I could afford one thing. Which thing was it going to be? There were so many options, some I had had before and knew were good, some I wanted to try but wasn’t sure I would like, and how annoyed would I be then, if I chose to get whatever a packet of revels was and it turned out to be a monstrosity? Rarely in my planning did it occur to me that the novel option would be a mind-blowing revelation, it was usually going to be a disappointment. So, I would think, stick to what you know works or man am I going to be so annoyed at myself, and who knows when the next chance I’ll have to do this will be? 

Actively choosing to do something that might not work out, in this case, buying an unknown chocolate bar, (when I know exactly what the experience of a tried and tested packet of maltesers will give me), AND it turning out to be a disappointment, can only mean one thing. I am a fool. I should have known better, in fact I DID know better, but STILL chose to make this decision. My god what is wrong with me. NO JAZ. Do something new, don’t be boring! Life is about risks and trying new experiences and discovering something that you can share with friends, get the (enter unheard of American chocolate bar that sits in it’s novel glory in a south London off license), Marco Polo didn’t travel the silk road without launching into the unknown, and I’m sure he felt the same physical tension rise into agonizing death spirals of thought as I become aware that I’ve been standing in front of the stadium of chocolate for way longer than is normal for a human being capable of complex thought. Now that I know that people are watching me the temperature rises and rises. Inexorable, that feeling of panic easing out from the floor and up my legs into the cellars of my gut, knowing that I could just walk out, I could leave without even buying anything. At least then I could take a beat and think about what I feel like I need. 

Why do I want to cry? I feel like I need to ask someone what I should get, knowing whatever they say will be wrong. Or at least, if I go with their suggestion, I can at least harbor small kernels of blame towards their terrible ideas if it turns out to be an unpleasant choice. 

I buy the thing I know I don’t dislike and leave. Likely to go and berate myself relentlessly for not having the bravery to take a risk as small and meaningless as this. Head full of mockery and self-loathing.

I struggle with decision paralysis, I had no idea that this even had a name to go with it, I just felt like my cerebral functions short circuited frequently. 

As I, and all of us, grew up, decisions got decidedly more complex and the jeopardy that surrounds each of them grows, the world began to impress on me the importance, the vital, critical necessity of every step I take being one of precision. People who make the wrong decision end up falling behind, they end up with a life of unfulfillment, one of terrifying, relentless dissatisfaction and struggle. Do not get this wrong. 

If you don’t know what to do, don’t choose. Don’t leap before you look. The primary purpose becomes about care and consideration, the litany of potential consequences that arise from making the wrong decision rattles through my head like a whispering horde of endless courtrooms and boardrooms. Boardrooms full of strategists and debate teams, scores of voices all vying for the orange box. 

It can take me so long to make a decision that I know I won’t have the time to go through the process of making the decision again, so I have to get it right the first time. The amount of time it will take to undo the consequences of a wrong decision I can’t even begin to cope with. I have to get this right. I have to get this right. I have to get this right. 

I hugely benefit from having someone with me whilst I make decisions, or at least be with me as I grapple with my options. What I mean by that, is that I need a nervous system sounding board. Passive sounding boards don’t work in the same way, I need it to be human. Annoyingly I can sit here and I can know that about myself and describe the event unfolding, but when it comes down to it, I will have the same visceral experience again, and what I know about myself will depart instantly and my decision making will be hoisted up for auction and I’ll likely need to reach out for help.